Reading this post will save you hours of your life.

21 Apr

Let’s play ‘Envisage a Scenario’.

You’re in a cinema/video store ( I know internet. People still go to those places and pay money to watch films! I was astonished to discover this as you no doubt are right now) and you don’t know what to see. It can be daunting sifting through titles looking for something decent, so here’s my advice to you.

If you see a movie poster/video cover with red text on a white background, back the fuck away.

I put Hot Tub Time Machine in there to demonstrate  that the Red Text, White Background rule (referred to from hereon as the RTWB) can be tricky. Notice that the lettering is both red and black, which indicates a decent but not excellent film. Here’s a more subtle one.

Two films, one a remake of the other. Both have signs of RTWB. SO which do you choose? Look carefully at the names of the stars in each film. If one of your two posters has ‘Martin Lawrence’ written anywhere on the front, select the other film. My hope is that once everyone knows this rule, couples will spend less time arguing in queues so I can get to the front of the line with my pretentious French cinema that much faster.This will  leave me more time to cry, in my bedroom, alone, over the death of Truffaut. You’re welcome.


3 Responses to “Reading this post will save you hours of your life.”

  1. Mit April 21, 2010 at 9:50 am #

    exceptions to the rule i can spot from my bed amongst my dvds:
    Singing in the Rain
    the version i have of Hudson Hawk (i don’t care what you say, its Bruce Willis at his best!)

    • liamjordan April 21, 2010 at 9:51 am #

      You’re right, looking at my own shelf I should add a clause. RTWB doesn’t work on films released before the 1980’s.
      And Hudson Hawk is a terrible, terrible movie. It’s fun to watch because of that, but it does suck.

  2. Erinkyan April 21, 2010 at 9:59 am #

    Oh god I can’t believe they’re remaking death at a funeral. what.

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