Things cool sunglasses can do for you

28 Feb

1.  Walk past a 24-hour bottleshop at 11.30, with breath like a sewer,day old clothes and hair like an exploding swan stuck on freeze frame. Meet an Irish girl named Sarah-Jane with thick blue eyeshadow who’s as drunk as you were 7 hours ago. She’ll  say that you’re good craic, and that you look like Johnny Depp. Leave before she realises her mistake.

2. Stumble onto a train and sit in the corner, stare into the middle distance without having to make any eye contact. Watch as a boy and a girl no older than 13 get on, and listen to their conversation. Hear a rattle of what sounds like spray paint as they loudly discuss who they’re going to spray. Conceal the nagging fear that you might have to run somewhere, or worse, talk to people. Overhear them say that they’ll avoid the guy reading the newspaper and you, with the cool glasses.  As you get off the train notice that of course (of course!) they’re carrying plastic guns with cans of silly string.

3. Protect your eyes from the sun, a bit.

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