How Robert Beltran Eventually Saved The Galaxy

15 Nov

ChakotayWay back in 1994 (Which was 15 years ago, feeling old yet?) on a surprisingly balmy October evening french actress Geneviève Bujold left the set of a new Star Trek pilot, citing the high stress environment of network television as the reason for her departure. Morale was low, and among the tired cast and crew experienced Shakespearean actor and frequent guest star Robert Beltran made it explicitly clear to show runner Rick Berman that he was not happy. Sensing an imminent crisis Bujold’s replacement arrived soon after, and so began a seven-year relationship of mutual hatred comparable to the greatest rivalries of University football.

From its humble beginnings as a flagship for a network nobody cared about to a consummate squandering of years of good will built upon by earlier Trek lore (up to and including the fine work of one Ronald D Moore)  Star Trek :Voyager was basically terrible from beginning to end. This was helped along by Beltran’s constant bitching about the terrible writing and his dull, emotionless reading of almost every line is so gloriously rude that if you were to take screenshots of all his big speeches put together in a gigantic frieze they would surely depict an enormous Chakotay giving everyone the finger.

By the third season Berman realised that they were in significant danger of cancellation, and attempted to revive the show with the inclusion of former Miss Illinois Jeri Ryan, fresh off a cancelled sci-fi show. Her inclusion as the geek ideal-  sexy, emotionless and coldly logical,  Seven of Nine managed to anger both the entire cast and the old school Trekkies ,  frustrated with the shows increasing focus on her over practically everything else. This less-than-friendly reception lead to her seeking comfort from producer Brannon Braga, and the too began a relation which became public towards the end of the show’s run.

In a move that can only be described as ‘cosmic bitch-slapping’ Seven of Nine and Chakotay began dating at the end of Voyager,  a plot line that apparently infuriated Jeri Ryan’s ex-boyfriend, Republican candidate Jack Ryan. This came back to haunt him in 2003 when Ryan ran for the United States Senate,  and his request for the details of their custody settlement to be kept secret was denied. Inside those documents was Jeri Ryan’s account of a series of bizzare sexual escapades, including frequent requests for sex in public and visits to BDSM clubs. While Jack Ryan denied the allegations the damage to his reputation was irreversible, and he was forced to give up his candidacy for young hotshot Barack Obama. And the rest, they say, is history.

So thank you Robert Beltran. Thank you for your whiny attitude, your bitchiness and your general hatred for Star Trek and its fans. You have done the annals of history a great service.

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2 Responses to “How Robert Beltran Eventually Saved The Galaxy”

  1. xxx November 15, 2009 at 5:21 pm #

    So – what is your problem?

    • liamjordan November 16, 2009 at 3:51 am #

      I care too much. What’s yours?

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